Thursday, 19 July 2012

Daughter’s Cry

November 2011 (his 1st attack - the day when he was discharged from the hospital)

March 2012 (2 months before his 2nd fatal attack)

My heart was frayed straight away when my sister told me about my father’s condition. After being spotted with stoke for almost 2 months, which I also blogged about. His neurologist evaluated him with Expressive Aphasia after their recent check-up. Aphasia is a communication disorder. It's a result of damage or injury to language parts of the brain. Aphasia gets in the way of a person's ability to use or understand words.

I have the answers to my questions, every time I get the change to talk to him he would just utter words repetitively when I ask him if he is done eating, what did he ate, did he took his medicines but still the same words are uttered like “Oo”, “Kuan”. Honestly, I am very hurt, the pain I am bearing right now is cruel, the same question came to mind, I just don’t understand why this has to happen why to my father and why do we have to suffer this blow. I sometimes feel that the world is adjacent to us and all ghastly things involuntarily occurred. (ing-ani nlng jud mi ka malas?) My father may only utter those words and could not communicate well, but deep within him he is struggling for us to understand what he is trying to convey which for me is very heartbreaking.

God, please give me the courage to understand things and accept them with all my heart. I just could not comprehend that things are happening the least I have projected. I know GOD seized everything that has been going on with our lives, but please, cure my father or at least alleviate some depressing things that have been going on with my life. I missed talking to my Dad, I missed how his ideas and mine cling together, I missed those days when we talk anything and everything, I miss it when he crack a joke, I missed his advises, I miss his smile, I miss my father sooo much. My father knows how much I love him because I have been telling him that since I was little, he knows how much I appreciate him as a father because my sisters and I have a good relationship with him. Some have their own heroes but he is our superhero. That’s how proud we are with our Dad.

Optimism is perched all around us that my Dad will be treated. I don’t have any idea if he will be well with this Expressive Aphasia thing but my family are doing the best we can to have him back to normal. One day, he will learn to converse again and as the usual we will have a good long talk and that all of us will be happy with no fears and anxieties hiding our sacks. As his eldest daughter I will cry for hope and wish that he will be okay in GOD’s time.



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